Ideas To Ponder

"Ideas to Ponder" are summary ideas at the end of each chapter of Intimacy & Desire. The Ideas to Ponder Blog unpacks these key thoughts, principles, or observations, and highlights additional points within Intimacy & Desire.

People who talk a lot about empathy and attachment security make me nervous. I don’t have a jaundiced view of human nature. I developed a therapy that speaks to the best in people. But I’m not blind to the worst in them.

Sexual relationships always consist of “leftovers.” You get to decide what sexual behaviors you don't want to do. Your partner does this too, and together you do what ever is left. This is how normal sexual relationships develop.

People have sex up to the limits of their sexual development. We stick to having sex in familiar ways that keep us comfortable. Having sex beyond your sexual development creates anxiety and makes you nervous. Mastering this anxiety is how you become a sexually mature adult.

"Sexual novelty is always introduced unilaterally. The solution to sexual boredom involves stepping outside your familiar repertoire and creating novelty. This raises your anxiety, challenges your identity, and shakes up your relationship."

"Differentiation is your ability to hold on to yourself when your partner or your children pressure you to conform. It's your ability to balance your desire for attachment and connection with your desire for autonomy and self-direction. Differentiation is a major drive wheel of love relationships and of Crucible® Therapy.

Developing and maintaining a solid sense of self greatly shapes your sexual desire. Your reflected sense of self and solid self often outweigh horniness, hormones or you desire for intimacy and attachment. Issues of selfhood trump neurotransmitters every time.

Sex and self-development don't generally seem connected to most people. Intimacy & Desire explains how sex and selfhood are interwoven through millions of years of human evolution. This article provides more clarification on this point.